Kaepora, the Stalker
by Hoogiman
Summary: He had never wanted to admit it, to admit the pain that had leapt from him and manifested in the darkest form imaginable. But now things have changed and Link must confront his darkest fear. And adversary. [They're the same.]
1. Chapter 1

Kaepora, the Stalker  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **All of the characters are the property of Nintendo

**Chapter One**

At three in the morning, Link, hoping to get some peace and quiet, tiptoed his way out of his humble abode, into the woods.

"Ah," said Link to himself with a great grin on his face, "A lovely view of nature, which I rarely ever get to see, because of the constant struggles of everyday life."

Link adored the stars, before continuing, "Sometimes I wish I could do this all of the time, just enjoying nature, without any interruptions."

A soothing flurry of wind blew onto Link's face.

"I could just go to sleep right no-"

"HOOTS HOOT!1" screamed Kaepora, landing so violently he destroyed the nearest house. "Have a nice sleep Link! Sleep is important! Very important! Sleep well now! Sleep is good!"

"And I would be enjoying it, if you weren't there," muttered Link, angrily.

"Press B to use the sword! Press up to use the Ocarina!" shouted Kaepora very loudly.

"Please will you be quiet?" asked Link impatiently.

"Press D to make me never have to talk again!" said Kaepora.

Link, in a spur of hope, grabbed the controller, studied it for a few seconds, and then glared angrily at Kaepora.

"There's no D button on the remote!" screamed Link, exasperated, "Why isn't there a D button?"

"What a shame, that means I'll have to be here all day, and all night!" said a jolly Kaepora. "All day, All night! All day, All night! All day, All night!"

Kaepora did a twirl.

"All day, All night!" said Kaepora jollily.

Link grabbed a shotgun, and shot at Kaepora.

"I'm not real, I'm just a figure of your cu-koo mind! Hahaha!" laughed Kaepora, as Link frantically tried to dispose of him.

Zelda walked up to Link. Holding a plate "Hi Link, I baked you some-"

Link accidentally shot at Zelda.

"Oh no! Look what you made me do!" said Link, angered.

"Hahaha," chuckled Kaepora.

"I hate you!" said Link angrily.

"Hahaha," chuckled Kaepora

**The End (of the chapter)**

Review, or I will continue the story!


	2. Chapter 2

Kaepora, the Stalker  
By Hoogiman

**Disclaimer: **All of the characters are the property of Nintendo.

**Chapter Two**

The soothing aura of classical music, as like that of an aphrodisiac, enchants Zelda into a state of overwhelming attraction. Link, with a sly grin on his face, charmingly leans towards Zelda.

"Oh, Zelda," Link says, gazing thoughtfully into her eyes. "Now that Ganon is slain, and the kingdom of Hyrule returns to peace, I think it's the perfect time for me to tell you something."

"Oh, yes?" Zelda replies, her voice barely audible over the sound of Link chewing on his cud. "What do you want to tell me, oh Hero of Time?"

A quartet of three violin players waltzes into the restaurant, strumming lightly.

"Well," Link says, "I have spent so much time trying to save you, that I have come to realise something deep… deep and wonderful, and magical, and _human_ about myself…"

"Yes?" says Zelda, and in her heart of hearts, she wonders – could this be it? Could Link, her saviour, be about to tell her what she has always dreamed of hearing – that he loves her? Surely it is too much to hope for – but yet, with Link, anything is possible; that much she knows.

"I have realised…" Link continues.

Yes, decides Zelda, it most certainly is a possibility. Especially after that time when he snuck into her bedroom as she dressed for bed, wearing nothing but the most tight, form-fitting of skin-coloured nightgowns… that had seemed so romantic… perhaps it was then that love had begun to blossom, shifting and swirling ever so subtly as like the flow of a river that changes constantly because it is a river and that is what rivers do, at least she thinks – for although she is the most beautiful princess to ever grace these lands, she has never seen a river – sad, truly – although she has seen paintings of them, they do look very nice – and perhaps that time, years past, when she saw that lake in that place where the lake was… perhaps that is what rivers are like – yes, ever changing, as rivers do – but does Link love her? She coughs.

"Zelda," says Link, "I…"

Zelda rests her arms on her chest.

"Love…"

Could this be? She can hardly believe it. Link, a man as mysterious as the Goddesses themselves, as beautiful as her own reflection, as blond as a person with golden hair, as lacking a sense of humour – nay, not humourless, but dry – as dry as a desert – again, Zelda isn't completely sure that deserts are dry, never having left the castle or its surrounding village in her life, but if deserts are as dry as they are said to be, then Link would be one; a beautiful, charming, brave, strong, blond desert. Is he going to say that he loves her, just like-?

Says Link, "I love-"

A mountain-sized owl crashed through the roof, crushing and killing almost every patron of the restaurant, including the string players.

"KAEPORA?!" yelped Link, exasperated.

"You love Kaepora?" cried Zelda, "I hate you!"

"NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT THAT WAY!" shouted Link, shocked.

An old man, struggling to stay alive, scampered out of the restaurant at a walking pace.

Kaepora threw a cello at the old man.

The old man died.

"I can't believe you don't love me!" wept Zelda, weeping.

"I didn't mean it that way! I swear! I only said Kaepora's name because Kaepora friggin' crashed into this restaurant!" said Link.

Link stared angrily at Kaepora. "How could you do this to me?"

"HOOT HOOT!" screamed Kaepora, "I'M HERE BECAUSE I BAEKED MUFFINS!1"

Kaepora dropped a muffin on Link.

"Ow!" said Link.

"Also, it is time for your wedding with Princess Ruto!" proclaimed Kaepora.

"You love Ruto… and Kaepora?" screamed Zelda, "You- you dirty double-crosser, you snitch, you evil, evil, scum!"

"I don't though, Zelda, I love you!" said Link desparately.

Said Kaepora, "LINK… THIS IS YOUR WIFE! HAHAHA, NOT LIFE, BUT WIFE! HAHAHA! HAHAHA! HAHAHEY! HA!"

Kaepora threw a large bottle of water at Link. It exploded in a shower of glass, and Princess Ruto the Zora Princess (she was a princess) came out.

"Hiii Link!" she said gaily. "I know you love me!"

"AUGH! It's not true, Zelda!" Link cried, pulling out his sword. "IT'S NOT TRUE!"

"Come on, time for a big fishy kiss!" said Ruto ecstatically (the correct term is NSFW).

"NOOO!" cried Link, pulling out his sword and trying to stab Ruto.

Kaepora threw a Goddess at Link, and Link's sword went flying.

"Ouch!" said Zelda, as the Master Sword decapitated her.

"OH NO!" said Link. "What have you DONE, Kaepora?"

"Hyrule is in safe hands!" said Kaepora. "HAHAHAHA!"

"NOOOO!" said Link.

Ruto gave Link a French kiss, and he fainted in revulsion.

"Yay! Hubby!" said Ruto, clapping her hands.

"Must… end the pain…" Link muttered deliriously.

"Hahahaha," chuckled Kaepora merrily.

**The End (of the chapter)**

(Guess which bits tiki wrote and you may get a prize.)

Review, or I will continue the story!


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